Phenylketoneurics: Contains Phenylalanine.

New Journal

2005-02-25T11:19:31Z

For those of you who commented yesterday, my new journal can be found under the name of:

five_pound_bass

If you don't know where I got that from, then look for a Robert Earl Keen, Jr. song by the same name.

Attention:

2005-02-24T10:39:28Z

Due to unforseen circumstances, I will no longer post on this username. If you would like my new username, please leave me a message.

...and be with the starving pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen.

2004-12-13T08:59:44Z

Ok, here's the deal.

I want 1,000 comments on this thing. That's right a thousand.

Stop your whining. We can do it, esse.

Ask me a question you've always wanted to ask, but were afraid to.

Tell me why I'm so dad gum cool ( or not ).

Tell me what you do when feminine itching and odor get you down.

Tell me why brass monkey really IS that funky monkey.

Tell me what word comes to mind when you think of me.

I don't care what it is, just leave a comment.

Invite your friends. Invite your mom. You can even invite your friend's mom. It's as simple as that.

Now, get busy commenting or I shall taunt you a second time.

Friends Only

2004-11-28T11:25:24Z

This journal is friends only. If you would like to be added, please leave me a comment and I shall add you.

Some may boast of prowess bold
Of the school they think so grand
But there’s a spirit can ne’er be told
It’s the Spirit of Aggieland.

(Chorus)

We are the Aggies - the Aggies are we
True to each other as Aggies can be
We’ve got to fight boys
We’ve got to fight!
We’ve got to fight for Maroon and White
After they’ve boosted all the rest
They will come and join the best
For we are the Aggies - the Aggies are we
We’re from Texas AMC

(Yell sequence that follows)
T-E-X-A-S
A-G-G-I-E
Fight! Fight! Fight-fight-fight!
Fight! Maroon! White-White-White!
A-G-G-I-E
Texas! Texas! A-M-C!
Gig ’em, Aggies, 1-2-3
Farmers fight! Farmers fight!
Fight! Fight!
Farmers, farmers fight!

'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy

2004-09-29T08:44:00Z

Ok, is there some sort of law that states you must be on your cell phone when you come to the pharmacy? I'm sick and tired of having to compete with a person's cell phone conversation as I'm trying to explain something important about their medication. Any why, WHY do you have to hit the call button in the drive-thru when I'm standing there looking at you and clearly waiting on another person? There's an annoying little alarm that goes off when you pull up. I don't need you to hit a button to remind me you are there. And I am not a cow so please do not honk at me. If you honk at me, I will take my sweet little time when it comes to dealing with you.

No, I do not know why the OTC Prilosec has been unavailable for the past five months. The manufacturer claims they are out of raw ingredients. No, I do not believe that is true. Yes, the people who make Prilosec also make Nexium and yes, Nexium is simply an isomer of Prilosec. Yes, sixth grade chemistry will get you another patent for the same medication and millions of dollars in proft. Yes, I do think this shortage is a marketing ploy designed to increase the number of people on Nexium and no I do not know when we will get any more in. I haven't had any for five months and I doubt I'm getting some tomorrow.

The bathroom is located on the other side of the pharmacy through the big metal door. No, I will not offer you a moist towellete and a mint once you are finished.

Yes, I have been told a million and one times I look like Elton John. No, I do not like his music and I am not some gay pop singer from England so please stop making the references.

If you really want to know why it takes me twenty minutes to fill your script it's because I spend fifteen of those minutes answering stupid questions like why it takes me so long to fill your script. If you are not satisfied with that answer I will give you the door code and you are more than welcome to come back and watch your script from the beginning of the fill process to the end. No, I do not consider it an emergency when you hand me a script that's weeks old and tell me you need it immediately.

No, I will not consider breaking state and/or federal law so you can have your prescription filled nor will I commit insurance fraud. I've been to jail once for stupidity and I'm not willing to risk dropping the soap again for you.

I do not need your life story when you call the pharmacy. And there is no need to preface our conversation with "this is kind of a long story" because every call I get is kind of a long story.

And finally...

Yes Bert is eating a baby in my LJ icon and yes, babies do taste better with ketcup.

Spoooooooooooooooky

2004-09-28T18:08:06Z

Now, we're not ones to go 'round
And spread rumors
No really, we're just not
The gossiping kind
Oh you'll never hear one of us
Repeating gossip
So you'd better be sure
And listen close
The first time

I love that little skit from "Hee-Haw".

Hee-Haw salutes my hometown of Notrees, Texas. Population 25. S-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-lute!

So last night I'm in the pharmacy getting my fill on when a woman comes up to the counter and asks me to look at some pictures she has. I steal a quick glance at her teenage daughter that just walked up and I notice this girl is literally covered with ringworms. I mean all around her neck, on her face, on her arms and on her hands. I felt sorry for the girl and tried my hardest not to stare at her because it was wrong on so many levels.

Now apparently this family has just moved here because the husband was relocated and they are staying in a local hotel. The mother showed me the pictures and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Apparently her little girl had been playing on the bed with their little yip yip dog and started itching really bad. When the mother pulled back the sheets on the bed, she discovered the bed was covered in dried blood and that a note had been left. And it was an eerie note too. It said the last person who had slept in this bed had AIDS and had intentionally bled all over the bed so they could pass on the disease to the next person. Apparently they left a little bit more too because the poor girl was covered with fleas, ticks and ringworm. I felt so bad for her.

At first, I thought the mother was pulling one over on me until she showed me the pictures. There weren't just one or two spots of blood on the bed. It looked like Charles Manson had hacked someone to pieces in that bed. There was animal hair everywhere and the sheets were just gross. And the note the person left looked like something out of a Stephen King movie. I was starting to get chills just standing there looking at the pictures. It took us a while to calm the woman down and convince her that AIDS cannot be spread through the air, but I can certainly understand her being concerned. We told her that she probably didn't have anything to worry about since the blood was dried and AIDS will die off fairly quickly if it doesn't find a host, but I'm not so sure that made her feel any better. I feel sorry for her family though. They just move here and they have to experience something like that.

But I'm still wondering how housekeeping didn't notice the large amounts of blood that were all over the bed? Ray Charles probably could have seen something was wrong with that bed. I just think it's odd nobody noticed it until someone was using the room. Maybe it's a big joke the hotel staff is in on, but I don't think it's very amusing and neither does that woman or her daughter.

My Hearrrrrrrrrt's On Firrrrrrre, For Elvira!

2004-09-26T01:09:52Z

1. Cedric Benson of tu on ESPN Radio when asked if he'd rather win the Heisman trophy or beat OU for the first time in his four years at tu:

"Win the Heisman".

Way to be a team player there, Scooter. Perhaps you and Ricky Williams can share a nice doobie after next week's game.

2. Clemson TB Merriweather after their loss at Kyle Field to Texas A&M:

"We really hurt them with our running game".

Really? Let's go back and take a look at some of the statistics from that game. In particular, the final score of 27-6. Funny, but the only TD Clemson scored was on a *pass* play, not a running play. And let's not even mention the amazing 58 total rushing yards Clemson managed to rack up against the A&M defense. My grandmother could have managed 58 yards if the holes were big enough for her.

3. Kansas State's defensive coordinator:

"Our team can't tackle me and I don't even have any moves".

Glad to see A&M's next opponent has a harder time tackling than they do. Hope this is a good sign.

And perhaps my favorite one of all. If you don't believe four years of a college education is a wonderful thing, then read on...

4. Virginia TB Marquis Weeks describing his 100 yard kick off return to reporters from "The Washington Post"

"That was just instinct. Kind of like running from the cops".

In other news, Virginia recently announced that Mr. Weeks has been removed from his position as director of PR for the Virginia football team.

A&M does not play this week and that makes me sad. However, the Stanford Cardinal (why it isn't plural I have no clue) happens to be beating the #1 team in the nation right now. Do I smell an upset?

Can't stop playing this song

2004-09-24T06:50:25Z

Well I said the night you left me
Nothing worse could ever happen
But seeiin' you with someone else
Proved that I was wrong
And when your eyes met mine
I knew that you were gone forever
Along with all the reasons
I had for hanging on

I'd be better off in a pine box
On a slow train back to Georgia
Or in the gray walls of a prison doin' time
I think I'd rather die and go to Hell
And face the Devil
Than to lie here with you and him
Together on my mind

I always thought that someday
We might get back together
I just thought you needed time
To spread your wings and fly
But when I saw the lovin' way
You held on to each other
It was all that I could do
Not to break right down and cry

I'd be better off in a pine box
On a slow train back to Georgia
Or in the gray walls of a prison doin' time
I think I'd rather die
And go to Hell and face the Devil
Than to lie here with you and him
Together on my mind

Girl I'd be better off in a pine box
On a slow train back to Georgia
Or in the gray walls of a prison doin' time
I think I'd rather die
And go to Hell and face the Devil
Than to lie here with you and him
Together on my mind

I can't lie here with you and him
Together on my mind

I'm still not awake yet

2004-09-23T16:20:49Z

I am going to find the man who invented Zovirax and I'm going to buy him a beer and Chinese whore.

I woke up yesterday morning and felt the oh-so-wonderful tingling sensation of a developing fever blister on my upper lip. I took 800 mg of Zovirax and tried my hardest not to lick my lips or further irritate the spot. At 9:00 last night I took another dose of 800 mg and felt my lip drying out. Woke up this morning and took another round and it's pretty much gone. I absolutely love this medication.

I got my bonus check at work yesterday. I was actually excited because it's the first job that's ever given me a bonus check. It was a little bit more than I was expecting, but nothing to wet my panties over. Oh well, at least it's something to look forward to for next year.

I just received some very interesting news. Apparently ESPN and Fox Sports are interested in televising high school football games to a national audience. They are still trying to work the details out, but the week of October 14th they are planning on televising a game between the high school I graduated from and Midland Lee. I guess curiousity will get the best of me and I'll end up watching the game. I think it's kind of neat that ESPN is starting to televise high school games to a national audience.

Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father...

2004-09-22T10:09:33Z

I couldn't help it. I just HAD to do it. I went and purchased the Star Wars DVD trilogy tonight and I have to say I'm having mixed emotions. On one hand, I'm excited because I *finally* have the opportunity to add three movies that defined my childhood to my DVD collection. On the other hand I'm very disappointed with the changes that have been made. This is not the Star Wars I have grown to love.

Han shot first. Not Greedo. What good does it do to have Greedo say "I've been looking forward to this for a long time" and then have Han reply "Yeah, I bet you have" if Greedo is going to shoot first? You might as well edit the dialogue out if you're going to have Greedo shoot first.

The removal of Vader's mask in "Jedi" was one of the pivotal moments of my life. Yeah, I lead a sad life I know, but we waited all those years to finally see what Vader looked like without the mask and now they've gone and changed the way he looks so he comes closer to looking like Hayden.

At the very end of "Jedi", Sebastian Shaw's body has been replaced with Hayden's. Well, why don't we replace Yoda with Frank Oz and Sir Alec with Ewan while we are at it? This was probably the biggest disappointment of them all.

Moving on...

Tonight was a nice night, so I decided to grab the bike and head on over to Wal-Mart to purchase the trilogy. Might as well get a little bit of exercise while I'm at it, right? The ride there was pleasant enough, but I didn't realize how much I was sweating until I got inside and realized it was downright cold. I was worried they might already be out of the widescreen edition, but they had two more left and I grabbed one and then decided to head over to the bargain DVD section to see what I could find.

And I wasn't disappointed either.

I found Volume II of "Hee-Haw Classics" and had to get that one since I was so impressed with Volume I. I wish they'd just bite the bullet and come out with Season I on DVD, but I'll take what I can get for now. Perhaps I'll call Junior Samples at BR-549 and see what he can do about releasing Season I on DVD.

I also found "Bill Cosby: Himself" on DVD. This has to be one of the funniest stand up routines ever and I still laugh everytime I see this one. Absolutely great. As I was walking up to make my purchases, I stumbled across a combo pack of "Gods And Generals" and "Gettysburg". "Gettysburg" has to be one of my favorite war movies of all time and I've heard "Gods And Generals" is also decent, so I decided to pick both of those up as well.

It's sad that my DVD collection is turning into nothing but Westerns and war movies. I spent all those years making fun of my father only to turn out like him. Oh well, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

So I hop on the bike and head back home. As I was riding down the side street to get back on the bike path, I saw what looked like a cat sauntering along the grass near a tree. I move in that direction for closer inspection and catch a glimpse of the animal and start wondering what breed of cat has a long bushy tail with two white stripes down the middle. I was literally two feet from it when I realized that long bushy tail and white stripes belonged to a skunk and not a cat. The stupid thing shot its tail up into the air and I knew I was dead. I needed an underwear check and I needed one bad, but I sure as hell wasn't going to stop here to check it. Thank goodness he never turned his tail on me. I'm sure it wasn't as close as I imagined it to be, but I know I saw that little sucker shoot that tail up. I kept waiting for the effects to hit me as I rode away, but I never smelled anything. I'm hoping he was too busy scavenging for food to notice how close we'd actually come to each other.

So here I sit basking in the glory of my new DVD purchases. I suppose I should actually get up and start a load of laundry since I have nothing to wear tomorrow. And for those who are actually interested, my underwear check came up negative. Guess that means I don't have to change underwear before the scheduled weekly rotation.

Hey gev, do you have any clue when the second season of "Tour Of Duty" is due out on DVD? I keep watching season one over and over and can't wait for season two to come out.

I Cannot Move Mah Fanger

2004-09-21T02:50:06Z

I think brim is the only one who would truly appreciate this, but I'm going to share anyways.

I received a letter in the mail today from the Oak Ridge National Laboratory Genome Management Information System. Inside was the huge, beautifully illustrated poster of the human genome I requested from them. It was free and for some sick and twisted reason, I have an interest in molecular genetics so I decided to order one. I cannot wait to get it framed and hung up in my bedroom. It's really sad when a poster of the completed human genome excites me. I'm trying to get a poster of the bovine genome too, but they said they don't have one printed up yet.

My finger is now a lovely mixture of dark black and blue and the numbness has slowly but surely crept all the way up my arm. It feels like I've slept on my left arm for an entire week and I'm thinking a trip to the doctor tomorrow is in order. I hate going to do the doctor though for a finger problem. I'm pretty sure it's broken since I have little to no movement, but even if it's jammed or sprained all the can do is x-ray it, put it in a splint and give me something for the inflammation. Just seems like a wasted co-pay, but I still think I might need to have a doc check it out. We'll see how I feel tomorrow when I get out of bed and go from there.

Now, it's off to watch the rest of the Monday Night Football game. Even after my fantasy team's pitiful performance this past weekend, I still have a good shot of winning my match up this week. It all comes down to how tonight's game goes.

Wanna know how I feel right about now? Download and listen to this song then.

Hank Williams III
5 Shots of Whiskey
(from the album "Lovesick, Broke and Driftin")

Livin alone,
singin my songs
Thinkin bout the good times
when you were my own

Lady you taught me
how to hurt and cry,
and each day I'm not with you
I die more inside

Honey sweet lady why did you go?
and leave me here dying
all alone in my world?
It's all gone wrong
since you've been gone

So give me 5 shots of whiskey
to help kill the misery and pain
you put me through
Thanks for the good times,
for they were the best of my life
I spent with you
Now what can I do?

Walkin' on Broadway
not havin a care
I see you and your new guy
who's strokin' your hair
And I can't keep staying
here in my hometown,
got to get on with my life somehow
It's all gone wrong
since you've been gone

So give me 5 shots of whiskey
to help kill the misery and pain
you put me through
Thanks for the good times,
for they were the best of my life
I spent with you
and I still love you

Ouch

2004-09-20T16:50:32Z

I broke my left ring finger last night in the most embarassing way. I was at my pharmacist's house and his fourteen year old nephew and I went out front to toss around the football. We hadn't been out there five minutes when he zipped one to me and it caught the tip of my fingers. I literally heard something in my finger pop and I thought I was going to pass out due to the pain. I put some ice on it hoping it would get better and would allow for some movement with that finger. I wake up this morning and I have no movement in the finger at all and it feels like my entire left hand is asleep. I'm wondering if I should get it checked out, but there's really not much they can do for a broken finger and I hate to spend the money on a doctor's visit.

I am talking to a friend on AIM and they find it amusing that I'm sitting around the house in a pair of boxers, my boots and my Texas Forum On Female Reproduction t-shirt. Hell, I guess all I need now is a dog and a beer and I'm a walking country music song.

Did I mention A&M won a huge game this weekend? I probably did, but I don't like for you people to forget so I thought I'd remind you again.

The Houston Texans lost too. It seems their secondary was shredded by a young man named Roy Williams. Sorry, but I had to throw in a random plug for the Odessa boy. Since the Texans are now 0-2 I'm hoping I won't have to hear anyone from Houston talk smack anymore. We all know there is only one real pro football team in this state and they managed to win yesterday.

Off to finish drying my clothes and to force myself to get ready for work.

Texas A&M 27 Clemson 6

2004-09-19T02:30:55Z

Final from Kyle Field in College Station, Texas

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

My Aggies won on national TV and I'm excited as hell.

Why?

Bobby Bowden's son got beat. I love it when a Bowden loses.

A&M beat at Top 25 team.

The Wrecking Crew looked like the Wrecking Crew.

A&M has yet to turn the ball over this season.

Regiie McNeal looked AWESOME.

WHOOOOOOOOOOP!

And now an off week before Kansas State visits Kyle Field.

Fightin' Texas Aggie 12th Man and the Fightin' Texas Aggies beat the hell outta Clemson!

Beat the hell outta Clemson

2004-09-18T20:12:55Z

Texas A&M University Fightin' Texas Aggies vs. #25 Clemson Tigers
6:00 PM (Central Time Zone)
Kyle Field on the campus of Texas A&M University (82,600 capacity)
Nationally televised by TBS

You know you wanna watch it. Hey, it beats watching hurricane coverage on any other channel.

Now, off to the store to get beer and munchies before the game. I figure two cases should last us until the party tomorrow afternoon.

P.S. Lalli, I'll actually be a horny toad fan today since they play Texas Tech.

Grrrr

2004-09-14T18:14:05Z

My fantasy football team lost this week thanks to Brett Favre's wonderful -1 yard rushing performance last night. Thanks Brett. You now have the honor of riding the bench for a few weeks.

My roommate also has a ticket to the A&M/Clemson game this weekend. Tried to get one more ticket, but it just didn't work out. Fifty yard line, second deck, eight rows back on the alumni side. Can't get better seats than that. And plus, you can actually sit down. Oh well, at least it's a nationally televised game.

A lady came back to the pharmacy yesterday and asked if we had alfalfa. Does this look like a feed store lady? I told her I didn't have any, but knew of a few places where she could pick up a few bales of hay. However, curiousity got the best of me and I asked her why she was looking for some alfalfa. She claims it helps her with her allergies. She said if she takes some everyday she doesn't get allergies. That's weird. Most people have their allergies kick in if they are anywhere near alfalfa. Maybe she went to a feed store to get some.

It's freaking hot in here.

Football Season Is Here!

2004-09-12T18:21:12Z

My Aggies pitched a shutout yesterday afternoon and that makes me happy. Granted it was against Wyoming, but still... a win is a win and the defense finally started to look like The Wrecking Crew of days gone by. Two games gone by and they have yet to turn the ball over. That's a huge improvement over last year. Next week against Clemson will not be so easy, but I'm sure this game gave the defense some much needed confidence. Next weeks game is a nationally televised game on TBS at 7:00 Texas time. Watch it or I will hunt you down and kill you.

And now, the weekend update on college games I actually had an interest in.

1. tu vs. Arkansas

I hate the Wronghorns and I hate them with a passion. I know that's bad of me to say since it's a Texas school but I just can't stand them. My two favorite teams are A&M and whoever's playing tu. I was hoping the hogs could win this game and take the home and home series, but it just didn't happen. A Wronghorn interception on the last play of the game and tu escaped Fayetville with a 22 - 20 win.

2. Miami vs. Florida State

I hate Florida State almost as much as I hate tu. I'm not a big Hurricane fan either, but I'll take anyone over a Bowden coached team. FSU had this game won, but they ended up losing in overtime. With both teams in the ACC now, I hope this loss makes it tough for FSU to get the BCS bowl bid they were having handed to them on a yearly basis.

3. Notre Dame vs. Michigan

Tyrone Willingham just saved his job for the rest of the year. Well, maybe not but the Irish won a HUGE game yesterday. Michigan was ranked #7 and was at least a three touchdown favorite until a freshman came out of nowhere and stuck it to them. I'll admit I quit watching the game when ND went down 21 points and was shocked to see they won that game. I guess Touchdown Jesus is still alive and well.

Upsets:

Suddenly Memorial Stadium in Lincoln is not such a tough place to play. Southern Mississippi went in and beat the Huskers at home yesterday. Brett Favre would be proud.

Kansas State was upset by a nobody at home too. It's unusual for two Big XII North teams to lose a non-conference game on the same weekend. Maybe Kansas State will think twice about padding their non-conference schedule with patsies.

Lou Holtz and South Carolina almost pulled it out yesterday against Georgia. I like Lou Holtz and anyone who thinks this man isn't a football genius should be shot.

And my darkhorse title contender Purdue won again yesterday. I like Joe Tiller and I like a team who calls themselves the Boilermakers. I think this team has the potential to surprise alot of people this year.

Now it's time to watch some NFL and see how my fantasy team fares this weekend.

Transrectal Palpation Is Not As Fun As It Sounds

2004-09-09T16:30:02Z

This is why I cannot take PETA seriously...

My roommate and I were getting ready for work today and since we're too cheap to get anything other than basic cable the only thing interesting enough to watch while we were getting ready was "Ellen". Normally, I'm not a big fan of lesbian shows. Yes, I know all of you never expected that from me, but it's the truth. Today however, I found myself quite entertained by a guest on the show.

It seems that PETA has a new spokeswoman for their KFC campaign and it comes in the form of Pamela Anderson. There she sat in all her tank top glory going on and on in graphic detail about the way KFC handles their chickens. They even showed a few of her billboard ads and some of the other work she has done for their noble cause.

Isn't it ironic PETA chooses a woman with fake breasts for a chicken campaign? At least the chickens have real breasts. But come on people, it's Pamela Anderson for crying out loud. Does anybody take her seriously? Given the choice between her and Oprah, I'm not sure which one I'd take seriously. Oprah put a huge dent in the Texas beef industry, so we might as well let Pam take a shot at Bo Pilgrim and Colonel Sanders. And second of all, it's a chicken. Any animal that's dumb enough to run around for several minutes after you snap its neck in half doesn't deserve it's on animal rights campaign. By the way, if you're looking for quality entertain, try snapping a chicken's neck and then setting in back on the ground. It's quite comical for the few minutes it lasts.

So I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised when a woman handed me a script for Prozac today and informed me it was for her cat. I did a double take and then had to stifle the urge to laugh at her. Now, I've always wondered how a vet determines if an animal is depressed or not. Do they come in and lay down on the little black couch and tell their doc about their repressed Fruedian desires? Truth be known, Freud would be out of a job as an animal shrink because most animals are so inbred they've already had the pleasure of having sex with their mother.

I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't. So I asked the woman how she knew her cat was depressed.

"Well, he just lays around all day and does nothing".

HELLO! It's a cat! That's what cats are supposed to do!!!!!!

So my pharmacist starts to question the dose because they were giving a 10 pound cat 80 mg of Prozac a day and asks me for my opinion Uhhh, I focused on reproductive physiology, not animal psychology. I told her that if it was a high dose I guess we'd find out after the cat died. She didn't think that was too funny.

I took $400 from the lady and I didn't think twice about it. My pharmacist said she felt sorry for her and told me I should feel bad too. I've always had one philosophy when it comes to animals: a .22 shell s a hell of a lot cheaper than $400 worth of antidepressants.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all about animal *welfare*, just not animal rights. And there are a lot of people out there who need to learn the difference. I guess alot of this has to do with the way I was brought up. I was around show animals all my life and that's the only thing I know. Yes, I was fond of my animals, but there comes a time when you have to learn not to get too close to them. I guess I'm also fortunate enough to have studiend animals extensively to know there are differences in their physiology and in the ways they achieve homeostasis.

And seriously, if PETA would find decent and respectable people to support their campaign, I might have a little faith in them. But Pam Anderson? Come on guys, you're not even trying here.

Yo VIP, Let's Kick It!

2004-09-09T05:21:11Z

I light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle.

My Take On The Presidential Election

2004-09-06T20:52:34Z

Those of you who know me already have a pretty good idea of which candidate I support. For those of you who don't, I shall give you the top ten qualities (in no particular order) I look for when selecting a presidential candidate.

01. Military Service

I don't care how many times you did or did not row, row, row your swift boat gently down the stream in Vietman. I really don't care if you did your duty in Vietnam or if you used your father's connections to get you out of 'Nam. I consider the Commander In Chief position to be a purely symbolic position with no prior military experience required. Washington may dictate policy, but leave it to the field commanders to execute and carry out that policy. Personally, I don't like the idea of Kerry as CIC. He looks like Gumby with an afro and Amazon eyebrows. Besides, Texans know a great deal about weapons and destroying things.

Advantage: Bush

02. The War In Iraq

I don't think either candidate has established themselves in this area to date. You toppled the "evil" regime and you captured Public Enemy #1. Now, get our boys out of there, cut the people of Iraq from our teat and let them deal with the mess. We have no business trying to set up a system of government over there and we've held their collective hands long enough. If they don't like it, I'm sure we'll allow enough of them to immigrate over here to operate the Slurpee machines at your favorite 7-11.

Advantage: Push. However, if it came down to fighting again, I'd pick Shrub.

03. The War On Terror

You can buy a million dollars in life insurance. If you're gonna die, you're gonna die. You can buy a million dollars in car insurance, but you can't prevent a wreck no matter how careful you are. The terror precautions and alerts are our national life insurance policy. Yeah, they make you feel good and they're nice to have around, but there are bad people in this world and shit is going to happen and I can't stop it. I could care less what the terror level is today and it's certainly not going to affect my every day life. You could argue with this and say I am affected if I'm delayed at the airport or a high profile event. Blah, who cares? Let them go about their business and I'll go about mine.

Advantage: Georgie. He has been proactive and has stayed the course. It's worked for the past four years, so we might as well continue with it.

04. Spouses

Kerry's wife automatically loses points because she has a hyphenated last name. Heinz is a condiment, not a last name. Drop the ketchup references and then I'll consider. Does Laura even *live* at the White House? She's out of the spotlight and that's fine with me. I don't want another ambitious Clinton-ite in the White House with political ambitions and aspirations making the most of her husband's infidelity. Kerry's wife seems like the type and I don't want a liberal woman in the White House.

Advantage: Bush

05. Offspring

I don't care how much boobage Kerry's daughter has flashed the cameras, she still doesn't do it for me. The Bush twins are hot. Plus, there's nothing that turns me on more than a couple of hell raising twins from the great state of Texas. The fake ID thing was simply classic.

Advantage: Bush

06. Recreational Activities

Bush enjoys spending time at his ranch, choking on pretzels and falling off his bike. Kerry enjoys snowboarding, appealing to the younger eMpTyV generation and plucking his huge eyebrows.

Advantage: Bush. Ranches are cool.

07. Future Political Issues

I believe four of the current Supreme Court judges will step down or retire during the next administration. I would rather have judges appointed by a conservative Republican rather than liberal judges appointed by a Democrat. Why? See #08.

Advantage: Bush

08. Homosexual Marriages

Bush supports a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriages. Kerry does not. It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Advantage: Bush

09. Cloning and Stem Cell Research

This is the one area where I strongly disagree with Bush. I think he's closing many doors on potential developments in cancer and genetic research and I think the potential is there to prolong the quality of life for many people. Notice I didn't say cure. I'm reluctant to use that word when it comes to cancer and retroviruses like HIV because I don't ever think a cure will be found. However, I do think there are many ways we can improve a person's quality of life, but there I go using big pharmacy words again.

Advantage: Nancy Reagan. How can one not watch her during Ronnie's farewell tour and not be moved enough to join her cause?

10. Overall Appeal

I just don't feel comfortable with Kerry in office. He looks like a Saturday Night Live skit gone terribly wrong. Personally, I don't think either candidate is truly qualified to run our country for the next four years, but I definately do not want nor support a Kerry run Oval Office.

Final Advantage: Bush

Like anyone expected anything less from me?

Juanita The Blow Up Senorita

2004-09-06T07:03:02Z

Well, the end of my three day weekend has come to an end and it's back to the grindstone bright and early tomorrow morning. It has been a very productive and relaxing weekend. We all need those every now and then.

So my roommate and I ordered pizza tonight and continued to drink beer. It was not a pleasant pizza ordering experience either. I tried to order online at pizzahut.com, but for some reason they could not recognize the street address I listed and so I ended up calling them. I got bounced around to five, yes FIVE, different locations and STILL did not have the right location so I decided to order from Dominoes since their ad was right on our fridge. The girl gets here and says she doesn't have enough change and will have to go back to her car to get some. I think they do that on purpose just so you will leave them a bigger tip. I told her not to worry about it because my beer was getting warm and the pizza was getting cold.

After eating we sat out on the balcony and shot the shit. We saw a possum running around and decided to harass him until he got bored with us and ran up a tree. Being the intelligent people we are, we decided we could get him out of the tree with empty beer cans. I swear that animal was laughing at our futile attempts too. But that's ok because I have my eye on him and I will get him when he least expects it.

Then I decided it was time for the age old ritual of drunk dialing. I have no idea why, but I called Evil Pharmacy Girl. Thank God she wasn't there because I'm not sure what I would have said to her had she actually answered. I then realized the graveyard crew was on duty at my store, so I decided to call them and have a little fun...

Me: Uhhhh yes, I'm looking for this Halloween costume I saw on your website.

Clerk: Ok, what's the name of it?

Me: Juanita The Blow Up Senorita.

Clerk: One second, lemme go see if we have it.

A few minutes go by...

Clerk: I'm not finding it, sir. Could you give me a description of what it looks like?

Me: Uhhhhhhhh... (Jason was not expecting this response). It looks like a girl with lots of red lipstick on and a big gaping mouth.

Clerk: Oh no sir, we don't have that one.

Me: Well, then I guess I'll go for my second option.

Clerk: Which is?

Me: The Incredibly Gay Hulk

He actually went to go look for that one. By this time, I'm laughing so hard I had to hang up on the poor guy.

I guess I should hit the hay soon since I have to be at work at 8:00. I actually traded shifts with the new girl so I could leave early and go to my pharmacist's house for beer and steaks. I must be losing it since I actually volunteered for an early morning shift. Oh well. At least I got out of wearing a tie. I HATE wearing ties. Since my roommate is a store manager at another location, he has loads of polo shirts with the Walgreen's logo on them. As long as I have one of those shirts and my smock on, I can get out of wearing the tie. Haha! Take that, corporate America.

Pizza Slut

2004-09-06T01:29:59Z

Because my friends and I have nothing better to do, we have perverted names for established franchises. For example...

Blockbuster has been renamed to Cockbuster

Best Buy has been renamed to Breast Buy

Pizza Hut has been renamed to Pizza Slut

And so on

I'd name more, but I've been drinking since about 3:00 this afternoon and my memory isn't what it used to be after half a case of beer.

So anyways, I get online tonight to order food for my roommate and myself from pizzahut.com. Just out of curiousity, I typed in pizzaslut.com to see what it would bring up. Apparently there are several out there who think the same way I do, because it pulled up a porn site.

Yes, I am that bored.

It's A Blockbuster Night

2004-09-04T03:30:50Z

I went to Blockbuster tonight with the intention of browsing for several good movies. I walk in and discover the place is being inhabited by a species known as Irritating Preteen Females. Ugh. I swear I have never heard the word "like" used so many times in a five minute period. So much for me spending some quiet time browsing for movies. I don't want a little girl. I never have wanted a little girl. I used to think I wanted one until I realized that as a daddy, I would have to put up with hornballs such as myself. Spending time with an entire herd of them in Blockbuster tonight gave me several other reasons to not want one. As we speak, I am actively searching for ways to kill off any X sperm my gonads may be producing.

So anyways, I returned with the following movies...

South Of Heaven, West Of Hell: Dwight Yoakam, Billy Bob Thornton and Pee Wee Herman walk into a bar. Ok, it's really not a joke, but those are some of the actors in this film. For those of you who don't know, I'm a huge Dwight Yoakam fan and decided to pick up this movie. It's supposedly a decent Western flick and I'm curious to see if Dwight Yoakam wears his trademark tight pants in this movie.

Space Cowboys: Tommy Lee Jones and Eastwood are two of my favorite actors of all time. Eastwood's character in this movie reminds me so much of The Man With No Name in The Good, The Bad And The Ugly. By the way, I purchased the special edition of Good, Bad and Ugly last week and it's simply amazing. John Williams is an awesome film composer, but he doesn't have a thing on Ennio Morricone.

Patton: The greatest movie of all time, bar none. George C. Scott is simply amazing in this film. Thank God this movie was made before all the special effects advacements were developed, otherwise I think it would have lost a lot of luster for me.

Open Range: Yes, I'm a western fan and I wasn't able to see this one while it was in theaters. I hate Kevin Costner almost as much as I hate Tom Hanks, but Robert Duvall is an excellent actor. I'm not really expecting too much out of this one since nothing will ever replace Tombstone and The Good, The Bad And The Ugly as the greatest Westerns of all time, but we shall see how this one is.

Ok, I'm off to watch movies.

P.S.

Does anyone actually ever read this anymore?

Tired, tired, tired

2004-09-03T07:03:16Z

Well, A&M didn't exactly beat the hell out of anyone or anything tonight. If anything, Utah beat the hell out of them. Once again, the offense looks good and the defense is simply struggling. Oh where oh where have the days of The Wrecking Crew gone? It's almost embarassing.

Not much to say tonight. I worked thirteen hours today on less than four hours of sleep and I'm extremely tired. Thank goodness I have the next three days off.

As I was reading the post game notes from the A&M website, I came across this little tidbit:

The Texas A&M Director of Athletics Bill Byrne will participate in a joint press conference with Texas AD Deloss Dodds at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 7 in the Centennial Room of Bellmont Hall in the Royal-Memorial Stadium in Austin.

I'm now sitting here wondering why in the world these two athletic directors would call a joint press conference. My guess is that it has something to do with the dedication of the Bonfire Memorial later on this year. Or it could also have something to do with some feel good "friendship" treaty the two schools have agreed to sign. Who knows, but it will be interesting to see what comes out of this press conference.

And speaking of the Wronghorns, the school decided to retire BEVO after blah blah years of "service". I guess standing on the sidelines higher than Chong on a Saturday afternoon qualifies as service in Austin. Or is that the majority of 6th Street at any given time? I always confuse the two. Anyways, the story of how BEVO earned his name is quite interesting.

After beating tu back in the day, some A&M students managed to brand the score on BEVO's side. The score that year was 13 - 0. The "13" became B, the "-" became an E, the V was added and they left the 0 as is. Hence, BEVO was born. They would have chosen Bessie had the Ags not branded their bovine mascot.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I remembered now. Instead of putting BEVO out to pasture, I think we should have a big 'ole bar-b-q with BEVO as the main meal.

Now taking applications for new livers!

2004-09-02T07:41:34Z

Our Regional Vice President for Store Ops is visiting our store tomorrow. So how do I mentally prepare for his visit? By drinking. My roommate and I made a rough calculation tonight and we discovered that on average, we kill about a case of beer a day. If we are off the next day or are both closing, we tend to drink much more than that. If we run out after midnight, we simply tell the girl below us we are out and she supplies us with her beer. Funny thing is, she keeps buying beer on a daily basis because she doesn't want us to run out. At least that's what she tells us. But hey, if you buy it and if you offer it, we'll certainly drink it. It's like they say... the best beer is free beer.

So here I sit at 2:35 in the morning trying to fight off a nice buzz and air drying from my shower. I will probably feel this when I go in at 7:00 in the morning, but I'll just pop two Meclizine and things will be just fine. Tomorrow we have a visit from corporate and it's warehouse day, which means I get to put up thirteen to fourteen totes full of drugs. Thank God I have a three day weekend coming up.

In other news, our secondary warehouse unexpectedly went offline today, which means that I have nothing coming in tomorrow other than our regular warehouse. It's going to be oh so much fun dealing with pissed off patients tomorrow, but what else is new. Evil pharmacy girl called me and begged me send some drugs to her store. I told her I had them, but she had to come get them from me if she wanted them. So she came over to our apartment and got them. Yes, I'm making late night drug deals out of our apartment. It's so funny, because I just now realized it was for a controlled substance. It's just so weird that I have no problem walking out of our pharmacy with a narcotic and having someone come over to get it from me. It's like I'm a legalized drug dealer or something. So I talked evil pharmacy girl into coming up and having a few beers with us. To my surprise, she actually stayed for a little bit.

So tonight is Thursday, which means that my Fightin' Texas Aggies are on national television tonight. Watch them tonight at 6:30 (Texas time) on ESPN. You know you want to.

Thanks and Gig 'Em and BEAT THE HELL OUTTA UTAH!!